It's not their fault

It always breaks my heart when I see my parents. It's probably just the guilt kicking in. They are two very sweet uber-Catholic parents who raised extremely smart and talented kids. I'm just going through some issues, but I could never explain that to them. They'd probably kill me, then kill themselves, if they ever found out what I do.

It would probably kill my father the most. He'd probably realize that all of his nudie magazines and porno videos that weren't actually hidden well enough during my childhood may have actually had an effect on me. Not to mention that he used to frame centerfolds and post them in the garage and the bathroom and the closets. I grew up thinking that was normal. Until people came over and were usually appalled by it.

Oh well, now that he has obviously "re-discovered Jesus," I think all that's long gone. To him, at least.

He has cancer and only has a year to live.

Teddy Pt. 3

We went on another date.

Nice as usual.

But onto the juicy stuff -

After a bit of drink and a bit of smoke, I ended up in his bed.

The making out turned heavy, and then the clothes came off.

He was inside of me, for five seconds, and then...

"No, I can't do this," he said.

"What?"

"I can't do this."

Feeling more humiliated than anything else, I got out of bed, put on my clothes, and drove home in tears.

It's because I'm a stripper, isn't it?

I knew he was way too good.

No dating. No dating. No dating. It's just not right. And it all makes sense.

Teddy Pt. 2

Teddy and I went on a date last night.

It was actually kind of nice to not work on a Saturday night. Although, there were a few times that I caught myself thinking about money that I may be missing out on. I can't help it.

We went to dinner, then drinks, and then back to his place for a little bit. It was weird being in normal clothes, knowing he had already seen me mostly naked, as some kind of character. It was weird being me. Just me.

He's from St. Louis. He's very polite. And sweet. I'd call him All-American.

We kissed. Just kissed.

I'm thinking we'll go out on another date. I'd like that a lot.

Teddy

When guys like Teddy show up, it's like a breath of fresh air.

Teddy isn't the guy as old as your father, and he isn't the creep-o in the corner wearing basketball shorts. He isn't a regular, just here with his friends because they thought it would be a stupid idea. He can talk to you as if you weren't naked, and you laugh at the same things. Teddy is genuine.

Simply put, Teddy is really fucking cool.

Teddy was the first guy I broke my rule for.

You know, the "I won't ever give my number to a customer" rule.

Teddy was the first guy I broke my second rule for.

You know, the "I won't ever go on a date with a customer" rule.

So what if I'm obviously on the rebound, so blatantly insecure, constantly looking for trouble, falling for anyone, for the wrong reasons?

These are my ways now, and although it is temporary, this is the way it is. Life is a learning process.

At least I'm aware. More on this development, later.

Debt

When people ask me why I started stripping, I tell them that I have credit card debt and student loans to pay off -

which is true, but also the easy answer. I never mention the stuff about the breakup, which was a result of my changed views on sex and relationships. I don't mention that my father is dying, I don't add that I have the inability to cope with feelings. And I certainly don't talk about my discovery that vulnerability equals money.

But yes - I have debt. Too much for a girl my age.

So, although I've been making money as a stripper, I don't feel like it. 

Every night, after I work a shift, I go straight to the bank to deposit the cash into my account. I am constantly paying back my debt. I just want to get it over with.